EXACTLY. With Florence Given. Episode 4: SEX: Cumming, Casual Sex and The Campsite Rule with Alix Fox.

Floss: [00:00:00] Hello. Thank you so much for listening to exactly podcasts with me far. It's given the first four-part mini-series, we've been to all about sex and it's my favorite topic. So naturally it had to come first. If you've listened to the last three episodes, you know that we've covered sexual empowerment cake and confidence from Miss Erica Storm, queerness bisexuality slut-shaming qith Megan Barton Hanson. And in episode three, we spoke about healing from sexual trauma with incredible Dr. Thema Bryant. I was really nervous about doing that episode, but honestly it was one of the most nourishing conversations and healing conversations that I've ever had. If you haven't listened to yet, please listen.

All of them were just amazing. I feel so lucky to have these conversations and lucky to be able to share them with such amazing listeners.
So this is the fourth and final episode on sex, unfortunately, but next week we do [00:01:00] have a topic that's just introducing. We're going to be talking all about feminism. I can't wait to explore this with different guests and with you. But for now back to sex, we've not quite finished on this one yet, for this final episode, excitingly, I'm going to be handing over the interviewing role to you.

You've been sending in your texts and your voice notes to our WhatsApp hotline number app + 4 4 7 8 9 0 3 0 2 6 6 5. And today, myself and the award-winning sex educator journalist podcaster and queen of puns Alix Fox, are going to be answering as many of them as we cban. Alix was the script consultant on Netflix of sex education, which I'm sure you've seen, and if you haven't, I highly recommend. she's also the host of acclaimed audible series called KINK. And she's a multi award winner, including the winner of best sexual health ambassador 2020. So I really couldn’t be joined by anyone better today… 

Floss: So Alex, thank you so much for coming on the show today. 

Alix Fox: It's a treasured pleasure of loss.

Floss: I'm going to ask [00:02:00] you five of my quick fire questions. You just say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Alix: Quickfire, Dick fire, high five low five, somewhere in the middle, lubed up and fiddling five. Hit me with them, you have my full consent.

Floss: Okay. Question number one. What's one thing that sets your soul on fire. 

Alix: Oh, God, one  thing, travel, escape rooms, geo caching, and finding glitter in my boyfriend's chest hair! The usual rules of mathematics do not apply to me

Floss: to me for things, but in one sentence.

Alix: Adventure! 

Floss: Okay. If you could wear one outfit for the rest of your life-

Alix: do not to make me choose!

Floss: a look that would define you forever. What would that be? 

Alix: Oh, um, something reversible. So, so I could do a quick change. Um, I have a green chain mail dress that I wore to my very first fetish party. Um, it's so heavy that it makes indentations in my shoulder. So I will probably really regret the [00:03:00] practical aspects of choosing to wear this forever more. But practicality has never been my strong suit. So yeah. Let me clink into the afterworld. Glamourously and sexually 

Floss: and that's how you want to be remembered- thay look?

Alix: Metal. Yeah. Seems appropriate. 

Floss: Okay. What, what's something that people frequently misunderstand or get wrong 

Alix: about you? Ooh, I think they think I can't be quiet. Um, but I would argue that sometimes being quiet is exactly the right thing to do. It's the time to be loud and a time to be silent and listen.

Floss: Okay. Next question. Finish the sentence. I'm still a work in progress when it comes to. 

Alix: Everything. And this is not the way I should be?

Floss: So many guests have said the exact same thing, and it's just brilliant because this whole show anyway is about not having all the fucking answers. And it's just such a good answer.

Alix: if you think you do, you’ve stopped asking the right questions, I think? 

Floss: Amazing. Next question. The last one of the quickfire questions. When was the last time you majorly cringed at yourself? [00:04:00] Oh, God, 

Alix: Oh god! I’ve cringed at myself inside, out upside down and like human origami on a daily basis. Um, frequently because I work in radio and broadcast. I have to listen back to myself. It's really good for your learning. 

Floss: I found that while making this podcast.****

Alix: Oh god, it is more painful than, uh, being trod upon by a T red laying on a bed of nails. Isn't it? It's hideous.

Floss: So now we're going to go straight into the listener questions. So this is a message from Vicky. They've said, identify as queer and have dated lots of amazing people, but only ever had straight sex. How would you approach the topic of being a Virgin in non straight sex? I'm super nervous that when the time comes for some awesome gay sex, I'm going to be super inexperienced and the I'm going to suck.

Alix: Well sucking is a good place with other people isn’t it, so Vicky, You're doing great already, but at the [00:05:00] moment, the lack of good resources and the lack of active sex education about queer sex in schools. I mean that a lot of people feel ultra nervous because they, they haven't received that information. Secondly, I think there's a false assumption that if somebody has a body that’s aligned kind of like yours, that you will automatically know what to do with it-

Floss: Yes! I said this literally over a pint with a mate a couple of weeks ago, it was a straight guy, whatever. And he was talking about how he feels incompetent compared to lesbian sex because oh, girls know what they're doing.
And I said, you literally, every single pussy is different and you have to literally ask how the person wants to be fucked anyway, regardless of what you like! 

Alix: 100 percent!. Um, just because you own a pussy doesn't mean that you can be the manager of Battersea! All pussies are different right? All people are different and we're all different at different times as well, which is why communication, constant communication is such an important thing.
So moving on to how [00:06:00] Vicky should navigate this hopeful experience of first time fumblings and rumblings with a new adventurous person. Um, I would say the first thing they need to do, because they mentioned that they're nervous is get to know the difference in themselves between the fun jitters and the Oh shitters, because sometimes nerves that are good and fizzing and exciting, can feel a little bit like nerves that are bad and worrisome and red flags, and maybe telling you that things are moving too fast. So checking in with yourself and going, you know, is this, is this good jitters or is this big oh shitters? Is this excited go gos, nervous or uncomfortable? No Nos. And learning to ask other people about how they're feeling is a really good place to start.
I think a lot of people's. Um, know, now that they have the right to say no to something or asked to slow down if they want to, but they still find that quite uncomfy to say, [00:07:00] so Vicky might find it really useful to practice ways of saying. I don't like this. I'd like to slow down in a way that feels comfortable to them.
So having something prepared, like I find you really hot, but, uh, that touch isn't quite working for me. Or can we just ease off a second? Yeah, of course you can say no as impolitely as you want, and that should be respected, but I think having a sentence in your arsenal, if you will, which is a place they were playing may well, play with that makes you feel comfortable about saying no in a way that's still, there's still has a cozy tone to it. 

Floss: You have this fear of killing the mood right?

Alix: Yeah, exactly. What would you say to Vicky? 

Floss: So I remember when I first came out and I'd only been with male partners, I felt this pressure to sleep with a woman to prove to myself and everyone around me that I was queer and that it was bisexual.
I think. [00:08:00] Bisexual thing other is to just constantly be questioning your sexuality. And to always wonder if you, you even all queer. And so I just wanted to go out and have sex and I did, and it ended up being incredible and really amazing, luckily, but it's not always the way to do that. I was lucky that my first experience with a woman was really incredible.
And I remember actually I was so surprised at the amount of times we spoke during the sex and because previously with, with men and it wasn't like a nice experience I had. It's always just kind of assumptive. And kind of responding to what he wanted. And then when I was with this woman, it was, we actually spoke a lot during it.
And so I think that you need to get used to talking during sex and communication during sex and saying, I love it when you touch me here. I don't like this. Or like taking the person's hand and just being like, no, here, like that's hot and you can make consent s so fucking sexy as mandatory as it is. It can be so hot.
And I think getting used to talking during sex will make you [00:09:00] less nervous because just because you have a pussy doesn't mean that you're going to know what to do with somebody else's because they might like it. And other way they might like this direction, or they might like this curve with the fingers, they might like something completely different.
You have to treat every new sexual partner as a completely new map that you need to like ask directions for as opposed to something that you're supposed to know the answers to, because all the stereotype is, is that lesbian sex is the best in all the land. And you need to be immediately good at it because you have a pussy.
Also, if you've not even touched your own pussy, which a lot of women haven't, people who have pussies, if you've not touched your own vulva, and you're not familiar. Then how can you expect yourself to know how to pleasure someone else? 

Alix: This is very Ru Paul, how you expect someone else to love you if you can’t love yourself…

Floss: Exactly! How you gonna touch another pussy if you can’t touch your own pussy?

Alix: I totally agree with both of these points. Um, I'd say returning to your idea of talking and communicating a normalizing that about sex. There's this real false narrative that if someone is [00:10:00] compatible with you and if you're a good fit that you shouldn't need to tell them, unless the fricking some kind of Saturday night psychic.
Not going to be able to tell what you like, um, sorting out your safety first as well. I think before you go into this, making sure you've got your dental dams, your latex gloves, your condoms for toys, that you think nails don't double as medieval instruments for torture. Um, and I think another thing that I'd say to Vicky is maybe manage your expectations.
There is so much hype about losing your virginity or first time experiences. And a lot of the language that we use around sex is extremely hyperbolic. It's mindblowing, it's shattering. It's, it's gonna rock your world. It might just be really pleasant or bits of it might not be because you're learning.
That doesn't mean that you're wrong. It doesn't mean that you're fucking it up. And it doesn't [00:11:00] necessarily mean, although, it might mean that the person you're with isn't that good a fit for you? Sometimes it just means that you're still in that phase of, of learning about each other and learning about yourself.

Floss: So right now, very excitingly, we're going to take our first caller and we have someone that we're calling Maddie on the line. 

Call in 1: Hi! Nice to meet you. 

Floss: What would you like to ask us today Maddie? 

Call in 1: Well, my question has to do with orgasms. So I'll tell you a little bit about me. I'm 24 years old. I've been sexually active for the last four years, and I've never had an orgasm neither through masturbation or through sex.
And I have obviously heard from some friends who struggle orgasming during sex, but I feel a little bit alone in the fact that I've never had one either through masturbation or sex. 

Alix: Maddie, first of all, can you tell me a little bit more about how you feel about your situation?

Call in 1: friends are always [00:12:00] kind of talking about or coming it sounds like they're coming all the time and I'm just there. And I, like, I really want to know what the fuss is all about and I really want to have one and I just feel, yeah, this pressure to have one and also a little bit ashamed when I fail. And I know I shouldn't see it as failure, but it just kind of feels like it a little bit.

Alix: Okay. I completely understand those emotions and I know it's going to be really hard, but I do want to encourage you to let go of that sense of shame and of self blame, um, because not only does it break my heart, you beautiful bento box full of bounteous wonder that you're, you are allowing yourself to feel so bad about something, which is so freaking common, some real talk here- Some of your girl friends are probably fibbing. And the staff up there was a survey carried out by a sex toy brand called Lilo. They looked at over 4,400 couples. Uh, they found that [00:13:00] just shy of one in 20 women had never orgasms with a sexual partner. And I'm, I'm very willing to bet. Big old slice of that pie are also people who find it really difficult if not impossible, so far to orgasm on their own.
So you are absolutely not alone in this situation. 

Floss: I also understand the whole feeling like you're missing out thing. I've had friends who have also had the same problem and it almost feels like you're missing out on this club. It's like the secret club. And it's like, why the fuck me? Like, w w why not me? Why am I not experiencing this thing? And the approach that I've always had. To when my friends have spoke to me about this is to talk about- openly- talk about how they're wanking. Cause there's nothing like there's no inspirational quote that I can give my friends to help them climax on their own.
Right. But I think for me as someone who can orgasm. The way I would talk with my friends is I would just talk about all the different ways that I do it. And in doing [00:14:00] that, that almost lifts the sh the collective shame and my friendship group. Like they all bought sex toys after we had this chat. And then they, I feel like almost lifting that shame and having those thoughts that aren't in your head.
Um, the first time I masturbated when I was very young, I was apologizing to God. Like literally, I'm not even religious.

Alix: I was thanking god! 

Floss: I was, I was apologizing to him afterwards, because something in me thought that it was really dirty and really bad. And it was this shame and it was like already at like 10 years old, I was apologizing to a man for like enjoying my body.
So I feel like that this kind of shame, even though you're speaking about it now, when you're in that moment and you're trying to get yourself off, it’s still in your head, isn't it a little bit. And I, and I imagine that there are a lot of mental blocks to being able to orgasm. Also, I'm almost excited for other people to hear you admit this and say this out loud, because I think it's, it's like Alix said, it's way more common than you realize.

Call in 1: Okay, [00:15:00] 

Alix: I've got three tips. Will you Maddie? The first kind of echoes what floss has just said. Unfortunately, too much press pressure is a massive pleasure depressor. So the fact that you are so understandably, but unfortunately anxious, nervous, stressed worrying that something's wrong, worrying that you're not the same as everybody else hoping, praying, like, when's it going to come, come on, come on, come on.
Orgasms are such elusive little bastards. The more you wish for them, the more they can run from you. 

Floss: avoidant attachment!

Alix:  So if you want to make those little bastards like Velcro and more like inclined to stick to you. I think you might have to try and find a way like floss says of getting your head in, in a more pleasant space. That's an easy thing to say, not necessarily an easy thing to do. Um, something I find really useful to get myself in a positive head space is to listen to guided [00:16:00] meditations and there are some really great erotic ones out there.
Um, I like to use there's an app called Ferlie, uh, and another one called Dipsy. Um, they're fantastic, but they really helped me to get my head in the horny zone rather than blowing the horn. And we're about to do a masturbation and it's all very serious and frightening. So try one of those. The second thing is, and I really appreciate them talking about something that it's not a cheap toy, but if you can possibly find the cash to invest, I would say it could be a really brilliant, um, investment for you to look at trying a mains powered magic wand. It's a traditional vibrator, but what makes it different is for starters, it has quite a wide surface area. So it sends vibrations through a larger area of your body and thus excites more nerve endings, it gives you a bit of a [00:17:00] better chance of awakening, more of your bits, which some people find that they need that, uh, breadth of excitement in order to get themselves off.
A lot of. Uh, people in the same situation as you who've told me that until this point they haven't yet orgasms. Um, it's not that you can't orgasm, my love, You just haven't yet. This is still the way there is still hope. Um, lots of them have said that the magic one was the thing that got them there.
Um, and the third thing I would suggest. A problem that I struggle with and that I have framed very differently in my head now to how I did when I was younger. If I have a problem called ooooohverwhelm, which is for me to orgasm in a particular way, which is arguably like, uh, the most strong or the most definite orgasm, the kind of orgasm that I now would be able to have with a sex toy on my own.
I need to concentrate really hard. [00:18:00] I've got to have my head on my v and not the a to Z of everything else. I've really got to be thinking about how that's feeling. When I'm having partnered sex and I'm thinking about how my lover smells, how, what my playmates saying, all the ways they're touching my body.
I love all of that. It's all beautiful pleasure. It is too much input. It's like ADHD of sex for me that, I love it, but it's too, too much often for me to have a particular style of orgasm because it doesn't let me concentrate my head in the way that I need. I sort of accepted that I like the kind of orgasms I can have on my own when I make this face.
And when I catch my reflection. Yes. Yeah. 

Floss: Frowned brows!

Alix: And I also like the kinds of more general pleasure and a different sorts of climax I can have when I'm with somebody else. So rather than that, rather than me seeing as. Partnered sex not [00:19:00] being successful because it doesn't feel the same as when I am on my own.
I think no, that's just a different type of having a good time. Yeah. But for a long time, I wondered why I couldn't replicate the experience of me, myself and I with me, myself and somebody else. Uh, and I decided that I didn't want to any anymore. I'd rather have two for the price of one. 

Call in 1: Oh, that's so helpful.
And I think you're right and accepting that it's going to be a different experience. It's going to be a different type of pleasure doing it on your own versus with somebody I think also takes off this pressure to try to replicate how you feel when you're masturbating versus with someone. So I just feel really like I have this weight lifted off of me and I just, it's just so nice to talk about ot!

Alix: That’s what we want to hear! 

Call in 1: thank you so much, guys. That was awesome. 

Floss: Okay. Thank you so much to Maddie for calling him with that question. I think it's going to help a lot of people. Uh, the next question we have here is from McKayla. McKayla says, hi. Big [00:20:00] confusion around sex and emotional bonding with a partner. Ooh. How do I tell the difference between really liking someone romantically or just actually feeling comfortable and being emotionally attached to them?
In particular, an orgasm with a partner makes me feel bonded to them for perhaps the wrong reason. For context, I've previously experienced sexual assault. So when I date or have sex with someone that doesn't do those horrible things to me, I feel comfortable around them. And I feel like this might actually warp my perception of their other qualities, any advice, much appreciated.
So they're essentially ignoring the red flags that might be there because of their experiences before. 

Alix: Or just going over the top in how great they think somebody is when they're just the basic, decent, bare minimum-

Floss: bare minimum! 

Alix: McKayla you glorious globule of glittering humanity. I really hope I [00:21:00] don't have to tell you this.
But just in case I do, you deserve a partner who does more than just not abuse you. That really is the bare minimum, isn't it? You know, and you are absolutely allowed to desire a deeper connection than that. That is a okay to want that. Um, unfortunately though, sometimes the way that we attach to people.
Our attachment styles can become really warped by traumas, like, like sexual assault or rape or abuse. Um, some people react and I'm talking very general terms here. Some people can react by becoming avoidant. So in order to protect themselves from being hurt again or misused again, they avoid getting really close to somebody.

Floss: intimacy scares them. 

Alix: Exactly. Yeah. And. I'm not going to get close to somebody, therefore they can't push me away is a strangely logical way of protecting yourself. Right. Unfortunately, the things our brains [00:22:00] do to us to try and look after us are often so basic in a way. And so, um, so feral, that they don't allow for our greater, um, Emotional satisfaction.
So don't get angry with yourself. If these are happening, these things are happening to you. It's it's your body and your brain trying to look out for you. It only has basic tools is what I'm saying here. Um, other people don't become avoidant. They become more anxiously attached so they can become quite needy, quite clingy, or they bond really fast because they're seeking comfort and security and someone to look after them and make them feel safe.
Um, now I'm not an expert on this and ideally I would love someone like McKayla to be able to access therapy and to talk to a qualified counselor or therapist or who can explore their individual situation with the. But to make the situation more complicated, unfortunately, um, as well as using quite basic tools to try and [00:23:00] protect us, our body can also play tricks on us because orgasms and sexual pleasure, particularly in women provoke the production of the hormone oxytocin.
And one of the impacts of that, uh, is that it makes us feel really bonded and close to people and cuddly and cozy, and like they're the greatest person we ever did meet. So your body's kind of potentially pulling a double whammy of a sucker punch on your hair McKayla. Um, one thing that I would suggest that might be really good for McKayla to do.
Outside of a sexual context on their own, when they're feeling calm, write down a big list of all the things they really want from a person and from a relationship. So it's really clear in their mind. And then if they find themselves, um, going little bit OTT gooey over somebody because they've given them the big O or because they've had a lovely sexual experience.
And they're not sure whether this is the beginning of a genuine romance [00:24:00] or just falling head over heels for somebody who hasn't fricking knocked you off your feet by being a cruel bugger, going back to that list can help you keep your feet on the ground. Think checking reality, versus what is in your head.
Is this really what you want? Is this person marrying up with what your desires are? 
How would you treat this floss? 

Floss: I really like what you said about the list. So it's almost like. With also a list of non-negotiables. So, so I think we can get confused between liking someone romantically also because we have this idea of perhaps what we liked last time, and we want so badly for the next person that comes along to be different and to be all of these things and to be this almost like Cinderella story. And I'm speaking from my experience here, this is what I've done. I've completely projected what I wanted the person to be onto them. And then I was let down by. The I, the own idea that I'd created of this person in my head, [00:25:00] because they gave me the absolute bare minimum and it was something that I wasn't used to.
So I just completely, I want to let McKayla know that I completely relate to that experience. And I talk about crumbs a lot in terms of not settling for crumbs because you dissolve the whole fucking cake. And I think I personally needed to take a lot of time out from sex, from dating to be able to figure out.
My deal, to be able to create a world and a little bubble for myself, a little sanctuary, where I was able to pleasure and satisfy myself. So that by the time I went back out to date, I was no longer settling for crumbs because I can make the fucking cake myself. And I feel you 

Alix: I'm a master baker. Yes, exactly.
Negotiating relationships and pleasure and sex after this kind of trauma, I think it's really worth seeking some specific help and support as well. There's a brilliant organization called the My Body Back Project. Have you heard of them? No, I haven't. They were [00:26:00] set up by fantastic woman who was a herself and their volunteer run organization. They work with the NHS to do things like cervical smears, fitting IUD, STI checks the kind of really important health stuff, vut that can be really difficult for somebody to go ahead, extra difficult for someone to go and do if they've had a sexually traumatic experience or an assault, um, they also run, um, very chilled out, like kind of coffee mornings, um, in association with a women centric sex shop called Shush, they're called cafe V and it's a bunch of people who have gone through things like assault and rape, talking about how they can reclaim pleasure for themselves and reclaim, feeling empowered within relationships.
Erm, on the my body back project website, they've got a really great reading list of books and articles that, um, folks like McKayla might find handy.. 

Floss: That's amazing Alix, That was [00:27:00] so well prepared. That's just so many incredible resources. I'm going to check some of those out myself.

Voicenote 1: Hiiii, I have a question. Love you guys, by the way. Is there any correlation between hookup culture and just seeing someone for pleasure sex? Because I always wonder, at what point does it become unhealthy say to temporarily get over an ex or does it all just come down to what feels right to you? 

Floss: Thank you so much for sending in that question.
I think about this a lot. And what I think it comes down to for me is how I feel after aha. So how I feel after determines for me, whether I was fucking, because I wanted to fuck or whether I was fucking, because I actually wanted intimacy and I left the encounter feeling a bit deflated and I feel like there's, I personally feel a difference between the two.
Where what I actually wanted was sex. And then I feel great the next day. And I feel empowered versus when I leave and maybe I didn't get the [00:28:00] aftercare I needed and required after an orgasm.

Alix:  I think the term casual sex suggest to people that they own, you need to be casual in the way that they approach it and the way that they think about it.
Um, when in fact, I think it needs a little bit of deeper thought and consideration to be a responsible and fun experience for everybody involved. Casual sex is not like casual clothing. You can't just like stick yourself into somebody like you would a pair of jogging bottoms and then jog on the next day and leave them in a crumpled heap on the floor and wonder why they're not feeling so great.
So yeah, be an ethical hookup partner to yourself and to others, not just someone who treats another person like joggy bees. I think one of the main ways that you can make sure that hookup sex is healthy sex. Is to make that story have a happy ending for everybody. It's really important to make sure that everybody is on the same page.
And this means examining your, uh, [00:29:00] expectations of whether this is going to turn into a relationship or not. Um, are you believing somebody when they're telling you their truth? If they say, oh, I don't want a long-term thing. Are you secretly hearing: Well, you might not now but I can convert you Are you being honest with yourself about what it is you want?
Uh, you know, so a little bit of self honesty, and again, You're going to be bored of it folks, but communication before a hookup with yourself and with others is a good way of, of making sure that casual sex is, is a great thing. Um, you mentioned feeling shitty afterwards. Um, I think part of the problem, there is some folks assume that, um, if it's just a one night stand that they don't have to do any kind of kindness the next day or after that.
Sometimes just a little text to say, Hey, how are you doing? Uh, I know last night was just a casual thing, but I wanted you to know I had a really good time or I just [00:30:00] wanted to check in and see how you're doing, being decent to somebody like that can make all the difference in how somebody is feeling.
Yeah. This, 

Floss: this texting. And there's also like physical aftercare. Um, and actually what, whether that's like, whether you, you know, that you want to be held, but again, it has to be both at the people involved in that encounter have to be super responsible. And like you said, having hookups ethically and not feeling afterwards, like you've been used as a wank tissue.
And I think, like you said about the joggey bees on the floor, it's like feeling like a pair of jogging bottoms on the floor that you just, you just been disposed of. Also there's a lot of pressure as a feminist to feel like you should be having and should be okay with and cool and chill with lots of casual sex.
Cool girl syndrome. Oh my God. It's massive…

Alix: And as a feminist you should be feeling that you can be whatever woman you feel like being, if that means having loads of consensual ethical, great casual sex, then go for it. If it means saying no, I don't want to do that. And that doesn't [00:31:00] make me feel my best self right now or at all.
That's also AOK. Have you heard of the campsite rule? 

Floss: No what's that?

Alix:  it specifically refers to a relationship casual or serious where one person is older than another or where there's an imbalance in the power dynamic. But I think it's a good thing to bear in mind for all relationships. And it says that much, like you staying at a campsite, you should leave a relationship or leave a hookup, at least as good as how you found it.
Either leave. No trace- so you haven't made any bad impact at all, or preferably leave that person even better than the way that you found them. Um, in my casual sex era, um, I made a point of whoever I was having fun with, I tried to say something honest and celebratory about their technique or their body, so that even [00:32:00] after I'd gone, they had something that would really buoy them up and make them feel good, about themselves. Yeah, exactly. Because even a brief experience, even one night can be so impactful. Right. We, we remember those times, remember those things that were said and done to us, whether good or bad making a little bit of an extra effort, especially if you know that you don't want to see that person again to leave them with a gift.
Um, kind of like a mint on the pillow. Yeah. Um, something lovely that they can use to bolster their confidence as they go forward in their own sexual journey. I think again, kind of helped to foster that healthy hookup culture. 

Floss: That's amazing. And I've not heard that before, so I'm going to take that away.

Alix: Be clear and be kind when you're going to be casual.

Floss: Okay, Heather, thank you so much for speaking with us today. How's your day been? 

Call in 2: Good. Good. I'm excited. Thank you for having me. 

Floss: [00:33:00] Yeah, of course. Well, so my guest, Alix Fox, and I were going to be able to answer your question. What would  you like to ask us?

Alix: I’ll try to answer the question and not just be dazzled by your incredible glamour.

Call in 2: Um, well, my question was, if he's having any kind of advice or anything Um, for people who are chronic illnesses or disabilities, um, having a sex life, um, just cause I got diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, which is a bowel disease and some people see it as a invisible disability as they call it and just have noticed in the last two years, it's kind of, it's gotten in the way a bit and sometimes it's fine and sometimes it's kind of. It doesn't seem like having a sex life is an option. So it was just wondering if he's had any tips or advice on breaking that kind of stigma around it.

Alix: what are the specific Issues that you are dealing with. How, how does this affect your life? 

Call in 2: Um, well, at the minute I'm actually doing a lot better because I've been put on an infusion into my blood every month [00:34:00] that seems to be working and kind of getting things under control.
So at the minute it's not too bad, but I have to take certain kinds of medications. So I have to be home every night and I can't stay over with anyone. And most mornings I can feel quite sick. And so then kind of, you know, the. Spending the night with someone and then staying over and being there the next morning, when you're not feeling well or trying to get home from somewhere when you're not feeling well is just too daunting.
I find, so I just don't want to, you know, I just don't wanna put myself in that position. And then a few months ago when I was still quite sick, like it was to the point where I just wouldn't go near anyone, because I was so afraid of like going even on a date with someone and then. I'm trying to explain to someone how I can't go for dinner because I can't eat while I'm out.
Because if I eat, then I'll feel sick and I'll need the bathroom. It was just very chaotic and kind of heavy. And like, you know, there's times if you're in a bad flare up where you're running to the bathroom so much that you can't actually leave your house [00:35:00] 

Alix: first up Heather I’m sure that does not feel anywhere fucking near invisible to you? My love, That’s really tough. That's quite literally shit. Sometimes it's real difficult. One talking generally about sex and disability. If you can hear the voices of other people who are having really brilliant, successful sex lives and also having a righteous rant about the bits that are crap, then that might help you feel better.
Also shout out to all the other people who are probably tuned in with all sorts of different disabilities that they’re living with. Some really great resources out there to help you first up, There's a dude called Andrew Gurza, who has a podcast called Disability After Dark. He was the originator of the hashtag, uh, Disabled People Are Hot.
Um, he's got about 275 episodes, so you'll probably find something [indistinct] very well. So generally about a disability and saucy sexiness he's, uh, he's a really good [00:36:00] person to go to. There's a brilliant, uh, campaign charity called, uh, enhance the uk.org. Um, they've got a campaign called undressing disability, which is specifically about, um, taking away that weird fear factor that people have about talking about sex and disability and that taboo, that stigma.
Um, they've got loads of free downloadable resources on their website and they also have what they call a love lounge, which has a forum where anybody can ask any question they've got, that might be you who want to give them a cue and see what a they come back with. It might be somebody who isn't a person with a disability, but who is about to start a relationship with someone and wants to know how to do that in a conscientious way.
So there's loads of stuff out there. That's generally about sex and disability, but as also [trumpet noise] tons of stuff specifically about ulcerative colitis. Um, have you heard of a luscious lass called [00:37:00] Hannah Witton? 

Call in 2: No, I haven't. 

Alix: Hannah is a sex expert, blogger, YouTuber with ulcerative colitis. Um, she uses a stoma bag.
I don't know whether that applies to you. Um, but she has written and spoken so much about just this topic. So please do check her out. She's going to have so much advice and, uh, an ideas that might really work for you. Um, Heather, um, also, can I ask, and this is a toughie, how have conversations gone so far when you have chatted about your colitis with, with people that you've gone on dates with?

Call in 2: Yeah. It's, it's kinda, it's weird. It depends on the person that kind of helps you filter out the real from the fake people, like you can kind of see straightaway with someone, if you bring it up and they, you see it on their face, they make that face. And they're like, and you're like, yeah, you're there.

Alix: they’re not good enough for you!
You're just like, all right now, see you never. So [00:38:00] then, like, we, like, I have been quite lucky with the people that hire hard told about it that I'd been out with, or that I'd slept with. Like, they were actually very understanding, but I didn't kind of go into everything. Like I only told them as much as I was kind of comfortable saying, because I'm still, I'm still, I find holding back because I still feel a bit embarrassed, which is ridiculous because I shouldn't feel embarrassed. And I always try to be very open about my illness to encourage other people with the same kind of things to be open as well.
And I'm always trying to share stuff on Instagram, just so like other people see it. And I’ve had people message me. So like for me, I'm just trying to push by assault embarrassment and that's stigma. And just be as open and honest about it as I can with people because it's going to be in my life forever.
So if anybody is going to start some kind of thing with me, like they have to be aware of that. Um, you know, if they're not comfortable with it, then you know, you just have to be like, right see you never.

Floss: For sure. I'm, I'm really excited for people to hear this as well. And he talks about this openly and even coming to ask [00:39:00] us for our opinions and our advice Um, I know that someone listening to this is going to be going through something similar. If it's not the same disability, it will be another one. Thank you so much for calling us today.
We're going to move on to the next voice note from Grace. 

Voice note 2: Hey floss. I have just started my sexual journey, I suppose, with my first partner, uh, which is very exciting. Um, and I guess I'm just kind of looking for some advice or some tips and tricks on how to figure out what I like, um, with sex. And yeah, way that I can go about, you know, learning about this more. It seems quite overwhelming. This seems like there's so many options and I don't really know where to start. So any advice would be amazing. Thanks so much. 

Floss: Oh, Grace that just warmed my heart. You just, oh, you just, you sound like such a beautiful person and thank you so much for sending in that voice note. I don't know why I'm so giddy. That was just 

Alix: so am I I’m just grinning from ear to ear and here to here [00:40:00] I’m excited for grace. That's why! 

Floss: You’re going to have amazing sex. The thing that immediately came to my mind is that you don't rush into anything. You don't sound like you're in any kind of urgent state. You sound like you're being very intentional and cautious about this in a way that, you know, it's going to be exciting.
I would definitely say that first partner to be someone you feel safe with exploring, get used to talking to your sexual partners. Because if this is going to be your first time, you'll go, you're going to want to ask them, you know, what, what do you like? And it doesn't have to be so formal. You can whisper in someone's ear Tell me how to fuck you. What, where do you like to be kissed? Um, how do you like it like this? And you can let people tell you. And almost giving prompts during sex. That's something I had to get used to is more talking during sex. That's what I recommend. 

Alix: I think grace is in such a good position to have a really fulfilling, satisfying, exciting love life because they're already.
Asking [00:41:00] questions and already calling this a journey. Grace, the journey is lifelong. It never ends all sorts of things in your existence are going to change and may change how you feel sexually. So stay curious, stay inquisitive about yourself. You never know what you're going to discover next. I'm nearly 40, there are still ways to turn myself on like a little microwave oven that I literally only discovered in the last two weeks. So Grace- keep searching, um, and an exercise that you might find really helpful as you explore, um, where all your good hotspots and ticky bits are, is called body mapping. You can do this with your partner, or you can do it on your own.
Um, you will find a couple of guided exercises online, if you give a Google, it basically involves touching your whole body, um, in different ways to find which touches and techniques and which erogenous zones, um, light [00:42:00] you up like a glow worms arse. Um, and that can help you understand, um, a little bit more about maybe places that feel good that aren't the obvious bulls-eye hotspots like vulva or nipples, you know, goodness knows what you're going to discover. Maybe the back of your left ear holds promises you never imagined, um, making a sex menu or a list that's called a yes no, maybe don't know list- where you compile a compendium of stuff you definitely want to try, stuff at the momen that's an absolute hard boundary that you've no, you don't, you don't want to explore things that you could be interested in if the mood was right and the person was right and stuff that you just don't know about, um, that can help you again, think actively about places that you want to look at first and stuff, stuff that you want to try in bed. Um, there's quite a few templates online. There's a website called Scarleteen that has one. So you're not just having to pluck these ideas from the air. You can [00:43:00] go through, uh, an already prepared list to, to kind of get you some inspiration. 
Another good indicator of maybe hints of the kind of stuff that gets you hot is to pay attention to where your mind naturally wanders when you're masturbating, what turns you on in films or books or songs and why these are often just happened to isn't that absolutely don't really pay attention 

Floss: to just living, just living on life. I find that there are so many things and I'm like, oh, I didn't, I didn't realize that turned me on. And it will be a certain something that I see someone do with their hands. And then I'm like, oh, that was hot.
And then I just like mentally categorize it as something new that I learned about myself. There's so many different kinds of things and that you will find them in the most unusual places. 

Alix: They're lurking everywhere. 

Floss: I'm so excited for Grace. Honestly, I'm ex I'm excited for them so much… 

Ah my first call in!

Thank you so much to everyone who sat in your questions. I'm so sorry. I couldn't answer them all. We could have spoken for hours today. Alix was so prepared. I was so impressed. There's definitely [00:44:00] a lot that I'm going to take away from this episode as well, taking nearly the campsite method or analogy that she had.
I think that's so amazing. And sometimes having a little analogy like that helps you put it into practice and you'll get some good sex karma. I'm so glad that I spoke to Alix today. You can follow her and her many exciting projects on Instagram, @AlixFox. And if you enjoy today's episode, don't forget, I'll be answering even more of your questions with the bonus episodes that are available for subscribers of Apple Podcast.
And these questions don't have to be about sex. You can ask me absolutely anything. 

Floss: if you want your question answered by me, you can drop me a text or a voicemail on WhatsApp plus 4 4 7 8 9 0 3 0 2 6 6 5.
And that's it for the mini series. I've enjoyed this series so much. I love talking with Madame Storm about kink, Meghan, [00:45:00] about queerness, Dr. Tamer, about feelings from sexual trauma. And today with Alix, uh, actually being able to hear from all of you was incredible, and it really feels like you’re getting involved in the podcast and that is one of the main reasons I started the show is so that we can actually humanize these conversations. Slogan you see on Instagram that actual people. 
Next week, I'm going to be diving into a brand new topic and a new four-part mini series, all about feminism. And the first episode is with my friend, the one and only Jameela Jamil.
And a massive thank you to the fucking incredible black honey post the original theme music for my podcast. You can find them on Instagram app, black honey, UK, and check out their latest album written and directed. To keep yourself updated with all the latest episodes as they drop, you can follow exactly on apple podcast, Spotify, Amazon music, Stitcher, or wherever you listen [00:46:00] to your podcasts.
And please take the time to reach us for our view. Listen to your podcast, give us a review. It really does help you to find us and make sure that the people who need to hear these podcasts do. 

This is a podcast from Somethin’ Else. My producer is Milly Chowles. My assistant [00:46:00] producer is Ella McLeod. Executive producer is Carly Maille, production coordinator is Lily Hambly and I want to give a special thanks to our engineers, Jay Beale, Josh Gibbs and mixing engineer, Gulli Lawrence Tickell, and additional production from Chris Skinner and Teddy Riley.